Tips For Being Wonderful

Over the years people have often come up to me and said “Alejandro, I need your help!” these people are often quickly carted away to their appropriate mental institutes, or a local Arby’s. What I have been able to ascertain from their loud bursts of noise emitting from their mouths was that they wanted to know how they could somehow become more like me. They want to be more like me? Perhaps I hit my head too hard the last time I dove into that shallow pool, but perhaps I heard them correctly. So, despite the voices in my head arguing against it, I am going to give you all a few tips on how to become more fantastically wonderful. By my standards anyways.
1. Drive A Vintage Non-Muscle Car
Old cars are cool, but you don’t want to be some kind of brock-jock, jammin’ around in his 1972 Charger. Who wants to be cool when you can be a geek? Perhaps you shouldn’t answer that question. Anyways, simply pick an old car to drive around in. When you are driving, you should act like you just exited a time portal, and you just arrived from the year in which your car was popular. My choice is the Datsun Sunny 120Y. A cool little car with about 80 horsepower, not that really matters. It’s look just shouts “dork” and that’s the exact look I go for, because I don’t like being hip, or someone’s bro, it’s just weirdness that fits who I am. Also, when driving your car of choice, you are only allotted to listen to two musicians from that era. With my car, I am only allowed to listen to 8-Tracks by T-Rex and Roxy Music. You’ve got to have boundaries.

2. Have a Mustache For Every Day Of The Week.
All powerful men have had mustaches, Joseph Stalin, Saddam Hussien, Adolf Hitler, Burt Renyolds, the list goes on. But why settle for just one stache’ when you could have one every day of the week? I propose a new system of days of the week. Instead of Monday, you refer to it as “Handlebar,” and Thursday would be “John Waters,” just think of all the fun you could have with seven constantly morphing mustaches. Why I can think of two things off of the top of my head, and both include pomade.

3. Box A Bear
Don’t question it, just do it. Is there better way to impress the ladies? If there is I haven’t heard it. Set up an exhibition match against any local bears, and everyone from miles around will gather and see the two of you duke it out in a fashion that will put great big patches hair on your chest. Now, you might be afraid that Mr. Bear will maul you, leaving you a pile of incomprehensible bits of meat. There is a way around this though. If you get some of your goons to go ‘round to the bear’s house while he is at work, and kidnap his family, and have them leave a note saying he should take a dive, otherwise they will be called the Bloodstain bears. If successful the bear will have no other choice but to lose to you, thus giving you a fantastic sense of dominance over all God’s creatures.